The Human Petting Zoo

2003-07-10T21:17:00.000-07:00

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A Small Idea

I think they should change the name from "Mankind" to "Manmean."

No royalties expected just doing my part.

2003-07-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

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Helping the Terrorists Win.

I have decided to start using heroin because i want to support the terrorists. Yes, thats right i want the terrorists to win... god help me im a sucker for an underdog and ya know.. i think its great they keep plugging along against such overwhelming odds. So anyway.. if i lose a bunch of weight and have track marks all over my arms just smile at me and nod... and know im pitching in and doing my part.

2003-06-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

Major League Vitamins

I keep seeing these shampoo (not real poo... sham poo) commercials where they talk about how, "Our shampoo has 'Pro Vitamins' that enrich your hair. So i was thinking... when did vitamins start going pro? Will this disqualify us from the vitamin olympics? Will vitamins now be tempted to skip college for the lure of immediate financial success in the pros?

2003-06-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

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Reality T.V.

Here is my pitch for a great new reality television show. A fat guy sitting on a couch staring at the television... and the show is a camera mounted on top of the TV pointed back at him. Finally, a show people can really relate to. Im flying to LA tommorow to pitch it to the networks.

Update: I pitched the show to producers at Fox and ABC today and they told me i needed to somehow include women... so the show idea in pre-production is... "The Couch Potato." We went to the University of Madison in Wisconsin and recruited 12 beer swilling, sausage devouring, girls who wear sweatshirts in july and they are going to compete for the other seat on "The Couch Potato" couch.

2003-06-18T00:56:00.000-07:00

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OzzFest

Well summer is here and it's time for another Ozzfest and it's a great thing ya know. We need a place where fat chicks with acne, long haired pot smoking dishwashers, and football playing thugs can meet on a mutual field and celebrate music while pounding the last remnants of a brain cell from their bodies. I went last year and let me tell ya it was a hoot...

On the second stage they had 12 bands that all sounded exactly alike!!! I got to see Kelly Osbourne somewhere around 10:15 on her minutes of fame clock, whoring around near the fences while throngs of celebrity deprived teenagers screamed her name. Better work on those singing chops honey daddies death clock is heavily correlated with your fame clock.

Then we get to the mainstage... 2 or 3 wannabe korns and then who's this.. Dead Pool? Their now deceased singer (irony is thick here) comes out and starts singing, "let the bodies hit the floor!!!" After the song he says... "you guys are great.. we love you all thanks." Then he sings, "I--don't care about anyone but me!" After which he says, "we love you guys... Chicago rules." Fuck this jagoff... Have some balls man... if you sing songs with nihilistic lyrics about how much you hate the world i wanna hear you come out and say, "I hope you all die in a bloody, horrible, massive car crash on the way home tonight hahahahaha... thanks for your 29.95 you stupid assholes!!!" Well needless to say he died a day after the concert i was at of alcohol poisoning. After which everyone said, "he was such a sweet guy... everyone liked him so much." Riiiiiiiight.

System of a Down blew them all off the stage. Rob Zombie was pretty good too... he managed to get off the stage right as he ran out of singles to play.

Then comes Ozzy... going to see Ozzy at OzzFest is like going to Vegas to see Wayne Newton. Something you might want to do before he dies just so you can say you did it. Ozzy is a medical mysterio... it was like watching a singing corpse. Don't get me wrong i love Ozzy. His throngs of highly intelligent fans have never figured out he is just a dark dark dark hippy acting like the 'prince of darkness.' He shouldn't be touring though... the soundmen were scurrying around the board like the Wizard, "dont look behind the curtain!!!" Translation... Ozzy needs more help to finish the parts of his songs than should be allowed outside of pop music... the echo on his voice was so thick the last word he just barely belched out carried on for 4 bars of the song.

So anyway you should defintely go this year if you have the chance... i predict this will be the last one. Unless Sharon straps Ozzy to a wheel chair and wheels him around the stage while a hidden boombox under the chair sings the parts for him. "SHAROOOON!! Eh oh uh eh oh you you you fa fa fahgot my IV sa sa sidestage luv!!!"

2003-06-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

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The Donnas

I want to meet "The Donnas" then after jamming with them for an hour or two have an orgy. Nothing is sexier to me than a woman who plays an instrument, any instrument (kazoo anyone?), even if it's badly. Now, its true none of the Donna's are supermodels (for those who know me you would know this is prefered), but together they are like the Voltron. Remember Voltron? The cartoon about a giant fighting robot which was in fact five different robots that formed together into one mighty robot. The Donna's are in essence the Voltron... each girl is fairly cute on her own but together they form a mighty presence of female prowess jamming on cock rock. Ya im that guy... the guy who likes when women act like misogynistic men... "ill take it off!!! (take it off)"... "ill take it off baby for you (and your bandmates)!!!"

Perhaps i can be a Donnas groupie... ill take down my pants to get backstage. I can give them oral to ensure a good performace... and i don't even like their music.

Form Legs!!! Form Arms and body!!! Give me Head!!! All Hail GynTron!!!

2003-06-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

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Fun Suggestions

If your arguing with someone moronic and you can elicit the phrase, "You make me sick." (a favorite of Bill O'reiley) A great reply is, "That's because im anabuse for stuipidity." Feel free to use it anytime.

When someone is leaving for a trip or drive of some sort it's fun to say... "Drive with reckless abandon and with little regard for human life."

Now that it's summer, when you see someone in their car talking on a cell phone, try to get even with them, or pull up next to them and crank your radio to 11. After almost having been rammed 100 times in the last few months by people who can't handle the simple multitasking of talking and driving simultaneously it's great revenge. They will flip out and have no idea what to do... it's complete mental collapse. Try it, it Works!!!

2003-06-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

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Winner

Ever meet someone who is completely obsessive about winning the games they play? You know the type, the ones who can't lose and throw a tantrum every time they do. They cheat, play dirty, do anything in their power to win. Anyway, i love to play these people... then after soundly winning A game, refuse to play them ever again. They will say things like, "well since you refuse to play i win" and "your a bitch" etc etc. They will claim it doesn't bother them, but know... just know... that it is eating away at them. Every time they see you they will think about it... sometimes they will lay in bed and think about it. It makes them insane... it makes them burn and seeth with hatred. They will daydream about trouncing you at said game... or beating you up... or shooting you. Anything to feel in control again.

I love that. It's so much fun. Those people are so easy to fuck with.

2003-06-09T00:46:00.000-07:00

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Eating our young

Kids are like Dogs... no really... read a child development book. Allegedly, they don’t have concrete or abstract thought abilities until a later age and so basically when the kid is old enough to start whining about shit, it’s like a dog. I read once that most dogs have the intellectual capacity of a three year old, albeit different needs and levels of physical maturation. Sounds about right though... so in preparation for my first child I went out and bought one of those dog carriers. I figure ill keep the little bugger in there till it's four. When it whines ill let it out for exercise and bathroom breaks. I even bought an electric shock collar... damned if my kid will get run over playing in the street... a few volts of electric current running through it's veins and he’ll learn not to leave the yard. Perhaps I can teach it to do tricks and get me on letterman.

Kidding aside does anyone read all these stories of child abuse where a family sticks one of the kids in a dog cage or treats them like animals? It really gives you faith in humanity doesn't it? It's amazing to me that we can operate on the belief that we are somehow superior creatures to the rest of life on this planet. I have seen more of a spark of intelligence in some dogs i have met than i have in supposedly fully functioning adult human beings. They all probably vote too... in fact im looking at the government and im pretty sure they all vote.

"We're a virus with shoes," yes Mr. Hicks i do believe you were right.

2003-06-08T03:20:00.000-07:00

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Heart breaker

I hate it when someone looks at a little girl and they say, "boy is she gonna be a heart breaker when she gets older, boy is she gonna break some hearts." What the fuck is this all about. First, why are we celebrating this? Hooray!!! some day my daughter is going to be the cause of a teenage boy bawling his eyes out and hanging himself from his basketball hoop for the unrecoited love of my daughter, that little heart breaker, what a little heart breaker. Great!!! Second, what kind of sick fuck looks at a little girl and ages her with his eyes... isn't it bad enough that we mentally undress them do we really need to start getting into some sort of sick pedophilic time machine where were imagining how hot a little girl is going to be when she grows up? ...

2003-06-05T17:58:00.000-07:00

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Press Conference

Hello, members of the press. I came here today to explain my guilt... the story has come out from recent events that yes... i have used a corked penis. I have been in a slump recently and i was desperate to hit a "homerun" as they say. I... as a man... accept the blame as a man should. I promise during my record breaking run of consecutive homeruns that i wasn't using a corked penis or performance enhancing substances... unless they made alcohol an illegal substance. Now I will take questions from the press...

Reporter: I recently contacted one of your former mates and it was said that if you were using a corked penis you couldn't tell...

Carl: Yes, well as i stated before i wasn't using one in the past.

Reporter: Do you feel you have let down your fans with this incident?

Carl: Fans? I am human i made a mistake. I didn't want to let people down. I mainly used it during 'practice' for fun.

Reporter: Why did you do it?

Carl: Well... it increases speed a few tenths of a second... but it's mainly a psychological edge... it doesnt really increase 'length' or 'power.'

Agent: Thank You... No more questions at this time.

2003-06-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

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Something to Ponder

Ill bet Nietzsche didn't get laid a lot. In fact ill wager he didn't get laid at all.

2003-05-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

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Anti-Breathing Society

A rock star that liked to have sex with teenage girls once said, "Life is point A to Point B and you have to kick serious ass in between!!!" He is of course the motor city madman. He lives life to maximum capacity, but his ex wives don't like him much. He doesn't care it's his A to B. They have their own.

I hate visiting the hospital nowadays at the ripe old age of 25. Just over the hill as far as youth goes. When i was 18 it wasn't such a big weighty deal. I felt immortal and had no idea there is a clock running. Nor did I care, nor did I fear death. I don’t fear death now, but I still hate the hospital. Lately I have been there to visit withering grandparents and it reminds me of the giant ticking clock. I don't leave post-it notes and I don't like reminders. "Getting old is hell" my grandfather used to say and I am inclined to agree watching him die slowly. A slide show at each step as he fade's away reminding me that my time here is a two point deal... and point B creeps closer with each breath and each passing moment. He is a grandfather clock. Tick tick tick.

Would it be so terrible if I died of a drug overdose at 30 let's say? Is it tragic when someone dies before they can fade away... im not sure. Is it tragic because breathing people don't want to think about their point B's? Is it tragic because of what they might have accomplished? I might have masturbated on August 12th 2007, but if I died on August 11th the world would be robbed of a wasted seed. Actually I would think pro-life ultra-religious people would be happy about men like me dying... think of all the sperm saved. Save the Sperm!!! What a bumper sticker. What a country!!!

Oh, but the people protesting here at the headquarters of the anti-breathing society say, "but think of what you'll miss!" Indeed... everyone who died on September 10, 2001 missed a huge event. All the excitement and TV coverage, the huge "changes" in the world that happened cause some guys were tuned into god's message. To think those religious men reached their point B with only dreams of what their actions would lead to and the paradise awaiting them. I wonder if you would get bored in eternity with only 72 virgins? I wonder why their god arbitrarily decided on the 72 virgins...? God: "Hmm you think well have enough virgins?" Assistant: “You know i was thinking... we should limit each new arrival to only 72... that's plenty of virgins for eternity." God: "I agree... now I remember why I hired you!!!" To think the people who died on the 10th left their space of consciousness thinking times were prosperous and good. What a difference a day makes!!! Does it matter that their consciousness ended before all that... nope they don't have consciousness anymore. Jimi Hendrix never found who shot JR... the horror!!!

At 25 I feel I have just gone over the real hill because really what's to live for after youth. Sure there is children and the like, but I would hesitate to curse a child with my genes. Who wants to make crazy people? We have plenty of those already. So if you're without dependents is it wrong to make the grandiose 'decision.' It surely doesn't make people happy when someone decides to stop breathing, but I think they forget about what that person actually wanted. That anti-breathing guy reached a point B much like the one the religious men reached... except maybe they would prefer to have 72 pepperoni pizzas waiting... and cable TV!!!

That's why i formed an anti-breathing society. Jack Kevorkian ran in an election and became our president. He understood that some people feel it's time to stop breathing. His campaign slogan was, "When its time to stop breathing, think of kevorkian." It was a winner!!!

When someone says at a low point in life "it was meant to be" does that qualify for suicide as well? If someone jumps off the proverbial bridge wasn't that 'meant to be'? It's all meant to be right? It's fun to mess with people trying to solve the meaning of their breathing. I think that’s a huge part of life... pretending that we aren't going to stop breathing. Rationalizing it for our own sanity. What’s the big deal? Try to imagine it for a second... your last breath escaping your lips. Afraid to get on that roller coaster? It will all be over in a fearful second.

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known." ... Indeed, lots of sperm will live because of a sacrifice someone made. Or lots of sperm will never exist because of someone sacrifice... or something.

2003-05-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

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Baysamerica god shed his grace on thee......

Let me pose a question. Why can't we get America to function in harmony and peace like the geeks, preppies, jocks, overachievers, and power elite of Bayside do? Bayside is really a perfect example of harmony through diversity. Everyone seems to cheerfully accept their role in the overall social strata of Bayside. Meanwhile accepting the reality that any attempts to overcome the limitations of their particular caste are fruitless, but will often lead to fun and tomfoolery. If America could harness that never say die attitude of Screech in his Pepe Le Pu-like, never take no for an answer, quest for Lisa what couldn't we achieve? The sky is the limit.

The answer to this question...? America lacks the benevolent dictatorship of one Richard J Belding. Let me be the first to say i am writing in Dennis Haskins on my ballot in 04... under the condition that he is president playing the role of Mr. Belding. President? Hardly... i am creating a new position called uberpresident which basically functions as aforementioned benevloent dictator. I encourage you all to follow suit. Haskins aka Belding in 04!!!

On his first day in office Tricky Dicky B passes the national "Register for your Roll" bill. Now, we break down America into the class system of Bayside.

Kelly basically is your religious, rightwing, fundamentalist, moron class. If you fall into the Kelly category you will: stay at home and raise your kids, cook meals for everyone, dance in tight shorts at athletic events, concerts, and chess matches. You do about 70% of the physical labor with a perky smile and a zest for life.

Screech represents the scientist, govt agencies, and americas spirit of invention (ala geeks). You spend much of your time inventing important gadgits (ie...perfect pancake makers) for our overly convienent society, computer programming, and enjoying goverment grants. For leisure you listen to Dr Demento, play D&D, and watch and understand episodes of Futurama. You get laid rarely. Sorry.

Slater, represents your military, police, and other militaristic type organizations. Slaters serve in the armed forces until the age of 35, then are asked to do the remaining 30% of the physical labor. The best among them skip the physical labor jobs and move into that all important and esteemed position in america, "the security guard." Only a few, truly the bravest of the brave will make, "mall security guard."

Lisa is the nepotistic power elite of the nation. In old America you could have been president. In Baysamerica If your a Lisa you do none of the work, pay none of the taxes, jet set around the world enjoying your lavish lifestyle on the backs of the Slaters and Kellys. Don't worry, they are too stupid to know it or care because thats where TV and Zach come in.

Zach class is the celebrity and distraction for everyone. Zach's amuse us with their clever sitcoms, reality shows, athletic prowess etc etc. We adore them although they rarely have anything of substance to say or are even that entertaining. Yet they walk the halls of Baysamerica like kings living above the law of even uberpresident Richard Belding. Their general function is to keep people from realizing -anything-.

Jessie is a double duty position. Half of the Jesse's spend their time prostesting everything, but having no real organization or plan to achieve said goals... in old america they were known as 'Democrats.' The other half of the Jessie's (Jesse B's lets say) are civic leaders and teachers. People who basically serve no function other than brainwashing, and confusing the docile TV absorbing masses. This is good because it keeps anyone from really challenging Richards postions and lets him rule effectively.

No more need to study "The Republic," Plato (or really socrates) was way off base. I present to you the new republic of Baysamerica, a perfectly functioning society. Soon people will be writing doctoral thesis' on my theory, and discussing the fact that such genius would come from someone who had to guess how to pluralize thesis...

"Haskins / Belding in 04!!" i am having the stickers made today.

2003-05-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

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International House of...

I love to go to the IHOP on North Halsted, affectionately referred to by my friends as GAYHOP, and order the "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity" and try not to laugh. Maturity is not my stong suit. I also then amuse myself by slathering boysnberry syrup all over my... hot... buttery... pancakes.

I wonder if gay guys like to hang out in mens bathrooms. I know I wouldn't mind chillin in the girls bathroom for a while on the off chance of getting a free shot. Knowing that im hetero and how I feel about the opposite sex it scares me to wonder about gay guys. Ill admit i may be a slight bit homophobic, but that's because I know how men think about sex. The quick response from the P.C. community is... "all you guys assume that they would even want you... but it's not true." Hmm, Ill tell ya what... if Im drunk and horny enough I can pop a chubby at "weight-watchers" meeting on "amputees night." So it's not unlikely that a gay guy might someday be dreaming of pumping my fatass. I suppose now I understand a little better what it's like to feel like a woman. Still, i wonder as i stand there trying to feel comfortable enough to let nature go to work if some lusting gay man is staring at my ass and fantasizing about pouring his boysnberry all over my... hot... buttery pancakes.

2003-05-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

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Quick thought for the Day

Does anyone else start to eat eggs and think.... "mmmm chicken fetus?"

2003-05-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

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Sandwich Artist

When I go to subway all I want on my sandwich is meat and cheese, but I often find myself loading up off their smorgasbord of condiments because the "sandwich artists" are so damn eager and I feel compelled to help them reach their artistic visions... (Indian voice) 'what type of dressing sir?' ... 'Um Italian' ... "Anything else" (puppy dog eyes) 'green peppers, tomato, onion, lettuce, some of that yellow stuff, mayonnaise, and black olives.' ... "is that all sir?" ... 'Yes houshang I am ready to enjoy your masterpiece.'

If a 'sandwich artist' dies does that make his work worth more money?

I worked at Subway once and i decided to be an abstract impressionalist Sandwich artist... "What would you like sir?"..."A Turkey Sub"..."comin right up"... then i would cut the bread in half lengthwise... wrap it in ham... make little cheese triangles dotting the top... dip it in mustard, mayo, and italian dressing... throw it against the wall with all my might (a little nod to jackson pollack)... put the little piece of tape on it sans plastic bag... and hand it over the counter. These so called 'customers' failed to see the genius.

2003-05-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

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Medical Job Security

Why does your dentist lecture you about your bad habits? You would think he would love your bad habits hearing cash registers "cha ching" with every cavity. If I was a dentist after the post-cleaning checkup I would say, "suck on 10 jolly ranchers before bed and brush once a week son and you'll be fine." Even better is doctors advice... telling the cardiac patient, "Joe you need to lose 25 pounds" ... id prefer the doctor tell the truth... "Keep shoveling that Cookie dough ice-cream down your bovine throat you fat fuck... I want to go to Tiger Woods fantasy golf camp in Augusta."

The whole profession is founded on kind of a lie. If they succeeded in their mission it would put them out of business. If I was a doctor I would drive around and smile... watching America line up like pigs at the trough like drive-through lines of our local fast food establishments. Cha Ching. MMM the flavor country of sucking that tar I need into my lungs to cope with my completely unnatural stress ridden life. Cha Ching. Even worse is how scary it is that people look to doctors as gods who make no mistakes, and how they accordingly have taken this messianic complex to go along with it. Folks... a doctor is that overachiever kid who liked reading his textbooks, but it doesn't make them all competent. There are plenty of creepy doctors and plenty of incompetent half assed dipshits who would just assume you shut-up and pay them then listen to your thoughts on your health.

What I love is when you hear about how they amputated the wrong limb on someone... this happens about once a year if you watch the informative "health beat" portion of your daily TV news. How do you make that fuckin mistake? Doesn't anyone double-check this shit? Obviously these mistakes are made... the same kind of mistakes you make at your day job when you're not paying close attention that one time. "Oops... heh heh, sorry Steve I didn't know you were here for a ulcer, I thought you wanted your dick amputated." Your meat with legs to many of them... remember that.

2003-05-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

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"Lets Make a Deal With Your Life"

Daytime television is just one step away from finally being entertaining. The TV people need to start combining Daytime Talk Shows and Game Shows. Maury for instance has basically become "Maury's Clinic" featuring show after show after show of "Who is my Babies Daddy?" Now, all we need is a real sarcastic prick-like host and the basic premise of Lets Make A Deal and we have "Lets Make a Deal, With Your Life." -- "Tammy here says steve is the father of her child... now Tammy you can either find out the results of this paternity test... Or you can have whats behind door #3!!!" --"Shaquanda is here to find out if Jamal is the father of her child... Shaquanda when it comes to 6 year old baby Anfronee... Jamal is the father... but... you have a choice... if you sign this legal document waiving Jamal of all his parental responsibilities you can have whats behind one of those three doors!!!" "Whats it gonna be?" "and behind door number 2 we have... ohhh a flock of geese, im sorry shaq wanda... thanks for playing." You can bring this aspect into any kind of talk show topic... test morals by offering money... it could be great fun and the possibilities are truly endless.

"How much would it take to go Gay for a Day?"

"He says No Way!! But were gonna see if he'll let his wife cheat on him for 200k!!!

This show would of course be huge, and it would attract all the attention Jerry does with his 'outrageous' stunts. People would be endlessly debating it's ethicality while you raked in the checks. Would never happen you say? Haven't been watching fox much lately have you?