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A Small Idea

I think they should change the name from "Mankind" to "Manmean."

No royalties expected just doing my part.
- posted by Carl @ 9:17 PM

 
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Helping the Terrorists Win.

I have decided to start using heroin because i want to support the terrorists. Yes, thats right i want the terrorists to win... god help me im a sucker for an underdog and ya know.. i think its great they keep plugging along against such overwhelming odds. So anyway.. if i lose a bunch of weight and have track marks all over my arms just smile at me and nod... and know im pitching in and doing my part.

- posted by Carl @ 9:14 PM

 
Major League Vitamins

I keep seeing these shampoo (not real poo... sham poo) commercials where they talk about how, "Our shampoo has 'Pro Vitamins' that enrich your hair. So i was thinking... when did vitamins start going pro? Will this disqualify us from the vitamin olympics? Will vitamins now be tempted to skip college for the lure of immediate financial success in the pros?
- posted by Carl @ 9:17 PM

 
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Reality T.V.

Here is my pitch for a great new reality television show. A fat guy sitting on a couch staring at the television... and the show is a camera mounted on top of the TV pointed back at him. Finally, a show people can really relate to. Im flying to LA tommorow to pitch it to the networks.

Update: I pitched the show to producers at Fox and ABC today and they told me i needed to somehow include women... so the show idea in pre-production is... "The Couch Potato." We went to the University of Madison in Wisconsin and recruited 12 beer swilling, sausage devouring, girls who wear sweatshirts in july and they are going to compete for the other seat on "The Couch Potato" couch.
- posted by Carl @ 5:00 PM

 
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OzzFest

Well summer is here and it's time for another Ozzfest and it's a great thing ya know. We need a place where fat chicks with acne, long haired pot smoking dishwashers, and football playing thugs can meet on a mutual field and celebrate music while pounding the last remnants of a brain cell from their bodies. I went last year and let me tell ya it was a hoot...

On the second stage they had 12 bands that all sounded exactly alike!!! I got to see Kelly Osbourne somewhere around 10:15 on her minutes of fame clock, whoring around near the fences while throngs of celebrity deprived teenagers screamed her name. Better work on those singing chops honey daddies death clock is heavily correlated with your fame clock.

Then we get to the mainstage... 2 or 3 wannabe korns and then who's this.. Dead Pool? Their now deceased singer (irony is thick here) comes out and starts singing, "let the bodies hit the floor!!!" After the song he says... "you guys are great.. we love you all thanks." Then he sings, "I--don't care about anyone but me!" After which he says, "we love you guys... Chicago rules." Fuck this jagoff... Have some balls man... if you sing songs with nihilistic lyrics about how much you hate the world i wanna hear you come out and say, "I hope you all die in a bloody, horrible, massive car crash on the way home tonight hahahahaha... thanks for your 29.95 you stupid assholes!!!" Well needless to say he died a day after the concert i was at of alcohol poisoning. After which everyone said, "he was such a sweet guy... everyone liked him so much." Riiiiiiiight.

System of a Down blew them all off the stage. Rob Zombie was pretty good too... he managed to get off the stage right as he ran out of singles to play.

Then comes Ozzy... going to see Ozzy at OzzFest is like going to Vegas to see Wayne Newton. Something you might want to do before he dies just so you can say you did it. Ozzy is a medical mysterio... it was like watching a singing corpse. Don't get me wrong i love Ozzy. His throngs of highly intelligent fans have never figured out he is just a dark dark dark hippy acting like the 'prince of darkness.' He shouldn't be touring though... the soundmen were scurrying around the board like the Wizard, "dont look behind the curtain!!!" Translation... Ozzy needs more help to finish the parts of his songs than should be allowed outside of pop music... the echo on his voice was so thick the last word he just barely belched out carried on for 4 bars of the song.

So anyway you should defintely go this year if you have the chance... i predict this will be the last one. Unless Sharon straps Ozzy to a wheel chair and wheels him around the stage while a hidden boombox under the chair sings the parts for him. "SHAROOOON!! Eh oh uh eh oh you you you fa fa fahgot my IV sa sa sidestage luv!!!"
- posted by Carl @ 12:56 AM

 
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The Donnas

I want to meet "The Donnas" then after jamming with them for an hour or two have an orgy. Nothing is sexier to me than a woman who plays an instrument, any instrument (kazoo anyone?), even if it's badly. Now, its true none of the Donna's are supermodels (for those who know me you would know this is prefered), but together they are like the Voltron. Remember Voltron? The cartoon about a giant fighting robot which was in fact five different robots that formed together into one mighty robot. The Donna's are in essence the Voltron... each girl is fairly cute on her own but together they form a mighty presence of female prowess jamming on cock rock. Ya im that guy... the guy who likes when women act like misogynistic men... "ill take it off!!! (take it off)"... "ill take it off baby for you (and your bandmates)!!!"

Perhaps i can be a Donnas groupie... ill take down my pants to get backstage. I can give them oral to ensure a good performace... and i don't even like their music.

Form Legs!!! Form Arms and body!!! Give me Head!!! All Hail GynTron!!!
- posted by Carl @ 12:25 PM

 
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Fun Suggestions

If your arguing with someone moronic and you can elicit the phrase, "You make me sick." (a favorite of Bill O'reiley) A great reply is, "That's because im anabuse for stuipidity." Feel free to use it anytime.

When someone is leaving for a trip or drive of some sort it's fun to say... "Drive with reckless abandon and with little regard for human life."

Now that it's summer, when you see someone in their car talking on a cell phone, try to get even with them, or pull up next to them and crank your radio to 11. After almost having been rammed 100 times in the last few months by people who can't handle the simple multitasking of talking and driving simultaneously it's great revenge. They will flip out and have no idea what to do... it's complete mental collapse. Try it, it Works!!!
- posted by Carl @ 5:04 PM

 
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Winner

Ever meet someone who is completely obsessive about winning the games they play? You know the type, the ones who can't lose and throw a tantrum every time they do. They cheat, play dirty, do anything in their power to win. Anyway, i love to play these people... then after soundly winning A game, refuse to play them ever again. They will say things like, "well since you refuse to play i win" and "your a bitch" etc etc. They will claim it doesn't bother them, but know... just know... that it is eating away at them. Every time they see you they will think about it... sometimes they will lay in bed and think about it. It makes them insane... it makes them burn and seeth with hatred. They will daydream about trouncing you at said game... or beating you up... or shooting you. Anything to feel in control again.

I love that. It's so much fun. Those people are so easy to fuck with.
- posted by Carl @ 12:41 PM